Going to college or university? 5 things to consider before starting a long distance relationship
Posted on 24. Aug, 2010 by lisa in General Relationship Advice, Real Relationships
I started my first long distance relationship when I went off to university. My high school boyfriend was heading to a school near our hometown but I was moving 2 hours away (I know… its not that far!). Here is what I learned:
- Leaving is terrible. Its heart wrenching and awful – especially at first. Tears and complaining help – but do not fix it. It does get easier – but it takes time – time to settle into your new college or university and time to settle into the “distance”.
- Staying put is worse. While I was moving on to this exciting new world, my boyfriend wasn’t. Yes, he was going to a new school – but the rest of his world stayed put. He didn’t move. He kept the same friends. This meant that the transition was harder for him – and I had to be sensitive to that.
- You will meet people – you will think about dating them! No matter how doe-eyed and head over heels you are for your partner, other people will get your attention. If you don’t, then you aren’t meeting enough people! I think its normal to meet people, and start to wonder “what if?”. The majority of people you will eventually cast aside, realizing that your partner is waaaay better. But be ready for it.
- Long distance is not all bad! There are some positives to long distance relationships. You get your own space and independence, traveling to see your partner can be really exciting, and the ‘honeymoon’ effect means that there will be lots of passion in the relationship!
- You can find yourself in the worst of both worlds. If you dedicate yourself to your long distance partner by giving up a life for yourself at college or university then you are really just getting the worst of both worlds. You are far away from your partner which puts additional stress on the relationship AND you are not making the most of your college or university experience by meeting people, joining groups and having a good time. So, embrace your life! Don’t put your life on hold until you can be together – the more fun you have (whether you went away or stayed where you are) the better partner you will be and the better relationship you will have.
Travelling with your long distance relationship partner? Do’s and Don’ts Advice
Posted on 08. Aug, 2010 by lisa in General Relationship Advice, Getting Dirty, Real Relationships, Technology for Long Distance Relationships
You and your long distance partner have a big trip coming up (or are thinking of planning a trip) – together! Very exciting! One two week trip I took with my long distance partner was the longest time we had spent together… ever. It went well, but I was worried going into it. Would we be compatible travel partners? What if we didn’t get along as well as do on our normal visits? What did this trip mean for our relationship? I was stressing myself out – for no reason. Here are some ideas on things to consider when you are planning a trip with your long distance partner.
- In order to plan a trip that both of you will look forward to, you need to know what kind of traveler you are – and what type of traveler your partner is. There are different “styles” of travel and you have to make sure you both come to some agreement on what type your trip will be. If you are the 5 star hotel type, and your partner is all into backpacking then some compromise is going to have to happen. Perhaps a cruise? Or staying in a nice resort in an off-the-beaten track area?
- Budget together. If one partner is tighter with funds than the other, vacation expectations can be very different. You might want to take full advantage of your travel destination, while your partner may be on a strict budget and not willing to do some of the same things. Or, you may be expecting your partner to help you out with part of your costs but haven’t verified this with your partner. Take the time before the trip to estimate costs (including food, lodging, travel, entrance fees, tours, transportation, etc). And then discuss those costs with your partner to make sure everyone is clear on expected costs and who is going to pay for what.
- Don’t be afraid to spend time apart – its okay if you need a break! After an extended period of time together you might need your space for an hour (or a day!) and that is perfectly fine. Suggest something that your partner would want to do and each of you can enjoy your separate time. Gives you that much more to talk about when you meet up later!
- Try to learn things about your partner! Notice how they interact with strangers, appreciate the things they notice that you would not have, check out activities that interest them. You may see a whole other side to your partner. Hopefully a good side.
- Do not let small things turn into big deals. You are both in a new place, experiencing new things, and bad things can happen. And bad things can lead to negative attitudes fast. So, try to not let that happen. If something bad happens – deal with it. And then try to get back on the happy vacation path.
(Image source http://lordofdesign.com/photoshop-brushes-travel/)
Secrets to a successful marriage
Posted on 09. May, 2010 by lisa in Communication, General Relationship Advice
This isn’t anything specific to long distance relationships… but it seemed like a good list that applies to all relationships. The list was compiled by a professor at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan, Dr. Terri Orbuch, who recently wrote 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great
Be generous with praise: According to Dr. Orbuch’s research, husbands reported a need to hear compliments from their partners – even more so than wives, who tend to get affirmation also from their friends. Men who said they didn’t feel special to their wives were two times more likely to get divorced.
Shake things up: “Knock your partner off balance just a little bit,” Dr. Orbuch says. That may mean exercising together or watching a scary movie or hopping on a roller coaster. Active couples are happy couples.
Talk about what you’d do if you won the lottery: Take time each day to talk about something besides the kids, work and the house renovation, a topic that reveals something to you about your partner. For instance, Dr. Orbuch suggests: “If you had all the money in the world, where would you travel?”
Know your partner’s top two expectations: Frustration sets in, Dr. Orbuch says, when there’s a big gap between what you expect to happen and what’s actually happening. The top expectation in her study, according to nearly every husband and wife: Never hurt or deceive the other person.
Sweat the small stuff: This seems counterintuitive, Dr. Orbuch says, but she’s not really talking about the toilet seat being left up. If your partner always leaves the room during a fight, for example, and it irritates you now, it will probably drive you crazy later. Talk it over.
Your partner is not a mind reader – don’t hold it against them!
Posted on 22. Mar, 2010 by lisa in Canadiana, General Relationship Advice
Here is another LDR question/answer from my an advice columnist who I tend to like. The Lesson? Tell your partner what you are thinking!
Q: After two years of a long-distance relationship, we’re meeting soon. He’s smart, funny, manages a job and university really well. He lives in Britain, I’m in Canada, so he stays up to have our daily chat.
But when I’m sad he can’t really tell. I’m emotional and sensitive and always had this expectation that if I’m close to a guy, he should be able to take care of me when I’m feeling down. It’s not easy for me to open up or say that I’m sad and I want him to ask me why. I hint, sound sad, write small replies, but he doesn’t get it. Then we end up fighting … more like me fighting, complaining about his mistakes and him saying sorry. It’s the only huge problem we’re unable to deal with.
Is it my fault? My life in comparison to his is pretty easy. I don’t have to work and my only worry is about university. I do have family issues; he’s an introverted person but opens up to me easily. And he’s committed, too. I’m sure he cares, but why doesn’t he show it? Or are my expectations too high?
Confused
A: Close, committed relationships rarely run smoothly through all the varied emotions both parties experience. The fact that you two have stayed close and committed for two years without ever meeting, shows great determination on both parts.
But, yes, your expectations are too high, especially when you only send out hints of sadness and expect him to catch on, instead of being straightforward. Stop the guessing game. It’s more fair to both to say, “Hey, my family (or whatever) really has me down today.”
Your British Connection seems like a good guy. Give him real information and stop agonizing over a problem that can be solved if you just speak up. It means looking after yourself to get what you need, which is a reality in relationships, rather than your fantasy that someone always knows when to take care of you.
5 things NOT to do in a long distance relationship
Posted on 25. Feb, 2010 by lisa in General Relationship Advice, Trust/Jealousy
Here is a list of 5 things that you shouldn’t do in a long distance relationship (or any relationship for that matter). If you start to see your partner doing these things its time to have a serious chat.
1. Too much negativity
Negativity can come from others or from ourselves, but either way negativity and relationships don’t mix. Try to stay positive. Long distance relationship can and do work.
2. Dwindling Enthusiasm
Keeping the fire burning constantly can be difficult in a long distance relationship. However, a little technology and some creative thinking can go a long way. If you do start to feel the passion eroding, and you are longing for your partner less and less take some time to figure out if the relationship is still what you want.
3. Constant Investigations or Suspicions
Always wondering where your partner is? Concerned they are cheating? Most likely they are not. And unfounded accusations can really erode a relationship fast. If distrust seems to be getting worse, you need to determine if it is your own insecurities or if you really have cause for concern.
4. Going for a Temporary Replacement
Letting someone else into your life as a temporary replacement for your loved one who’s not physically around is (in the words of Pretty Woman) big mistake. Big. Huge. Yes, it can happen unintentionally, but if it continues it turns into one large step away from your partner.
5. Frequent Misinterpretation of Each Other
Couples who are next to each others sometimes misinterpret one another’s thoughts, words or actions. These misinterpretations just get worse with distance. Misinterpretations are, once in a while, pretty normal. But if it happens each time that you get to communicate with one another, it can mean the two of you are starting to grow apart.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Posted on 13. Feb, 2010 by lisa in Creative/Fun Ideas, General Relationship Advice
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day!
If you haven’t planned anything special, its not too late. You don’t need anything dramatic – just something to let them know that you think they are the greatest. Some ideas:
- List their best qualities. Tell them what they are on the phone or put them in an email.
- Think about your top 5 favorite times together. Reminisce about them with your partner.
- Is there a movie/art show/event you know your partner wants to see that is going on now? Call one of their single friends and ask them to bring your partner to the event. They will both enjoy it.
- Create your own Valentines Day madlibs. Have your partner fill it in.
More ideas. In general, just make sure your partner knows how much you appreciate them.
Valentine’s Day Ideas for Long Distance Relationships
Posted on 08. Feb, 2010 by lisa in Creative/Fun Ideas, General Relationship Advice
Valentines day is quickly approaching! (Its on Sunday February 14th for those of you who are wondering…). Even if you live far away from your partner there are still lots of ways to show you care!
- Email Valentines: Start today… and send your partner an e-Card (or even just an email with some fun images you created) everyday til Valentines day .
- Plan a wakeup call for Valentine’s morning, ensuring that the first words your lover hears on Valentine’s Day are either “I love you,” or “I had a dream about you last night…”
- Arrange to send flowers to their work/home: There is a reason why this is a classic – people like to receive flowers!
Want more? Find lots of additional creative ideas here. And don’t be afraid to think of creative things that your partner would really appreciate – remember that it is the thought that counts.
Image source www.vegetarianwomen.com.
Happy couples talk over problems on the phone
Posted on 29. Jan, 2010 by lisa in Communication, General Relationship Advice
While listening to the John Tesh radio show a while ago, I was surprised to hear the suggestion that “happy couples” talk things out over the phone. They suggest that this will keep things positive by removing non-verbal cues (e.g. eye rolling). Perhaps this is one secret to long distance relationships? A number of other relationship tips were also included… see if you ‘know what happy couples know’:
- Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. We all see things differently, because we have different backgrounds. For example, your ideas of responsibility may be poles apart if you were the youngest child and they were the oldest. So, understanding where they’re coming from can make or break your marriage.
- Another secret that happy couples know: They use the word “I” instead of saying “You.” For example, don’t say “You’re so messy”. Instead, try: “I’m bothered when you leave clothes on the floor.” Why? It’s easier to resolve problems when you take the blame for being upset, instead of assigning your partner a character flaw. Like “You’re a slob!” That way, your spouse isn’t starting out on the defensive.
- And the final happy couple tip: Recognize the positives. Make sure you point out how much you enjoy and appreciate your spouse. Everything from the way you make each other laugh, to how well you share kitchen cleanup duties. The more often you tell each other how much you care, the happier you’ll both be!
Ellie Advice
Posted on 04. Jan, 2010 by lisa in Distance Factors, General Relationship Advice, Other sites, Real Relationships
I came across this today on one of my favourite advice columns… Do you agree?
Q: I’ve been in a six-month long-distance relationship; he calls me his girlfriend and introduced me to his parents. Three months ago, he left his email open and I saw he was on a dating website and messaging girls. He explained he was using it as a backup but, if I were upset, he would stop.
While visiting him two weeks ago, I discovered he was doing it again! It really upset me and I said I wouldn’t visit him if he continued. He agreed to cancel his membership. Yet, because I now have access to his email (he doesn’t know), I saw he was still using the website.
I can’t confess that I look at his emails. We’ve both said we want a long-term committed relationship but that we need more time to develop it. I think six months is reasonable to know if you want to commit. Is it acceptable for him keep his options open? He doesn’t date people; he says he’s on the site in case things don’t work out. I’m not sure I buy that. I’m not exploring other options while we’re apart and I don’t think he should, either. ~More Upset
A: Six months may be long enough for you but it seems it’s not long enough for him to feel committed. That’s his right, but you need to speak up about what you cannot accept, instead of playing detective and fuming.
The “backup” excuse is ridiculously illogical, even if he means it. If things don’t work out, then he can go online – the list of available women won’t have disappeared.
Trolling other profiles is only somewhat different from prowling a bar – eventually, there’s bound to be someone appealing enough for him to try making contact.
This isn’t about handing him an ultimatum; it’s about being honest and clear. Tell him you’re ready for a commitment. If he’s not ready to give up on “other options,” he can have them all – but he can’t have you, too.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Posted on 26. Nov, 2009 by lisa in General Relationship Advice
Please give thanks to your partner this weekend!
Tell them all your favorite things about them, make sure they know what they mean in your lives and how happy you are that you are together. Make sure they feel it.
If you are struggling in giving thanks for your long distance relationship, here are a few things that are good about long distance.
(Image source)
