Live in Boston?
Posted on 09. Aug, 2010 by lisa in Distance Factors
The Boston Globe is looking for couples doing long distance – where one partner lives in the Boston area.
If you are interested in talking about your relationship, and the role that technology plays in your long distance relationship please contact Beth Teitell (bteitell@gmail.com) ASAP. She’s fun to talk to! Promise.
(Image source http://maps.statemaster.com/state/MA/1)
Meet me halfway
Posted on 26. Mar, 2010 by lisa in Creative/Fun Ideas, Distance Factors
Depending on how far apart you live from each other, here is an idea to cut your travel time in half. Meet your partner halfway! Look at a map, find something (anything!) that is about halfway between you and your partner. Thus, if you live 4 hours away from your partner – travel time gets cut to only two hours! You can have a motel rendezvous, check out some touritsty stuff, or just a dinner date.
(sorry for couples who live a flight away… this won’t really help you out).
Serial long distance dating
Posted on 18. Feb, 2010 by lisa in Distance Factors, Real Relationships
I have a confession. I’m a serial LDRer. I got out of one long distance relationship (LDR), and then got right back into another one. And you know what? My ex also is doing long distance right now.
Is this just me? And him? Or is there something to this type of relationship that some people just seem to take to? Or is it that people are moving around so much now that it just happens? Have you been in more than one LDR?
Ellie Advice
Posted on 04. Jan, 2010 by lisa in Distance Factors, General Relationship Advice, Other sites, Real Relationships
I came across this today on one of my favourite advice columns… Do you agree?
Q: I’ve been in a six-month long-distance relationship; he calls me his girlfriend and introduced me to his parents. Three months ago, he left his email open and I saw he was on a dating website and messaging girls. He explained he was using it as a backup but, if I were upset, he would stop.
While visiting him two weeks ago, I discovered he was doing it again! It really upset me and I said I wouldn’t visit him if he continued. He agreed to cancel his membership. Yet, because I now have access to his email (he doesn’t know), I saw he was still using the website.
I can’t confess that I look at his emails. We’ve both said we want a long-term committed relationship but that we need more time to develop it. I think six months is reasonable to know if you want to commit. Is it acceptable for him keep his options open? He doesn’t date people; he says he’s on the site in case things don’t work out. I’m not sure I buy that. I’m not exploring other options while we’re apart and I don’t think he should, either. ~More Upset
A: Six months may be long enough for you but it seems it’s not long enough for him to feel committed. That’s his right, but you need to speak up about what you cannot accept, instead of playing detective and fuming.
The “backup” excuse is ridiculously illogical, even if he means it. If things don’t work out, then he can go online – the list of available women won’t have disappeared.
Trolling other profiles is only somewhat different from prowling a bar – eventually, there’s bound to be someone appealing enough for him to try making contact.
This isn’t about handing him an ultimatum; it’s about being honest and clear. Tell him you’re ready for a commitment. If he’s not ready to give up on “other options,” he can have them all – but he can’t have you, too.
Time Zone and Scheduling Issues
Posted on 18. Oct, 2009 by lisa in Communication, Distance Factors
In my relationship, my partner and I were in the same time zone and had a very similar 9-5 schedule. I have friends now who live 3 time zones away from each other, and I know others out there are even more ‘time separated’ from their partners (shift work, etc).
The biggest issue is finding a time to talk, when one of you is tired and wants to sleep and the other just got home from work. Flexibility is important. Talk to your partner. Make sure you are honest about what you both need for your own health and lifestyle.
Hopefully you can find a time that works for both of you. If you can’t, here is an idea – find two times. One time when it is good for one person and bearable for the partner; and another time when it is good for the partner and bearable for the other person. Then alternate these times for when you talk (You could alternate daily or weekly or by some other schedule).
The important part is that find something sustainable where both of you keep looking forward to talking to each other. And If your partner has something come up and can’t talk – relax! There is always next time.
Priorities
Posted on 13. Oct, 2009 by lisa in Communication, Distance Factors, General Relationship Advice
When you go visit your partner, are you their top priority? When they come visit you, are they your top priority? Yes, we all have our own lives and jobs and hobbies and friends and families – but your partner should be a top priority when they are visiting. You don’t need to just do things with each other (in fact getting out and about and meeting people in each others lives is a good thing) but whoever is hosting should plan some special events. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive – a home cooked dinner, planned walking tour around town, etc would be great.
If partners are visiting for a couple of weeks or months at a time, then this is not applicable… But if your partner is only visiting for a couple of days then hopefully that time is well spent! If you (or your partner) can’t seem to find the time or put in the effort, you may need to do some talking to figure out where things are going.
(Image source Raven Young)
Longevity of Long Distance Relationships
Posted on 02. Oct, 2009 by lisa in Distance Factors, Positives about LDRs
For anyone looking for scientific support that LDRs can work – keep reading 
According to Maintaining Long Distance Relationships and Cross Residential Relationships studies done in the 80s and 90s (yes, I realize that is a long time ago, but the results should still be valid…) showed that LDRs stayed together longer than couples who live close together. This was shown in studies of 6 months and longer by Stephen (1986) as well as Reske and Stafford (1989). Stafford and Reske (1990) also found a pattern of greater stability among LDRs.
If we go beyond stability and include other relational features as success, LDRs continue to fare quite well. Most studies have found equal or even higher levels of satisfaction, commitment and trust in LDRs compare to geographically close couples (Guldner and Swenson, 1995; Lydon, Pierce and o’Regan, 1997; Schwebel, Dunn, Moss and Renner, 1992; Stafford and Reske, 1990, Stephen, 1986; Vanhorn et al, 1997).
Gender Differences in breakups?
Posted on 03. Sep, 2009 by lisa in Distance Factors, Other sites
There is ample evidence that long distance relationships can and do work. Both anecdotally (both mine and your relationship are long distance) and scientifically, research has repeatedly shown that LDRs are no more likely to fail than proximal relationships. Here is an interesting theory about what started all the “long distance relationships don’t work” rumours – suggesting that at the root is the ease of blaming the distance when couples break up:
Interestingly, research has shown that women tend to find fault within the relationship, seeing the breakup as resulting from interpersonal problems (“We’re just not right for each other”), while men are more likely to try to place the blame on something outside of the relationship, such as too much time apart. While the studies have shown that LDRs stay together just as frequently (or infrequently) as other relationships, we often try to blame the distance when they do fail. Admittedly, it is easier to say, “Everything would have been fine had we lived closer,” than to say that things didn’t work out because of some issue with the relationship or ourselves. In fact, this tendency to blame the distance usually ends up in a more amicable breakup. However, this also means that many people firmly believe that LDRs don’t work. Fortunately, the research shows that this isn’t true.
What do you think about this?
College relationships – Help for soon to be long distance couples
Posted on 24. Aug, 2009 by lisa in Communication, Creative/Fun Ideas, Distance Factors, General Relationship Advice
If you are heading to college in September, you might be wondering about your relationship, and how/if/should you continue it once you no longer live in the same city. My vote? Absolutely! Yes, there are a number of common errors and unique problems to long distance relationships, but they are just as likely to succeed as local relationships. Just keep communicating and keep trusting.
To make sure it stays fun, here are some creative ideas to help get you though it!
Government website for when couples live apart
Posted on 18. Aug, 2009 by lisa in Distance Factors, General Relationship Advice
The US government has a website set up with suggestions for members of the Foreign Service when they are about to face a geographic separation from their partners.
There is even a government course for LDRs! If you are a Foreign Server member in the Washington, DC, area, you can take a course titled ‘Maintaining Long Distance Relationships’. This course identifies behaviours that strengthen often-apart or long-distance relationships.
One good sugestion (if it applies to you) is to remember that the separation experience is time-limited. Put on paper the reasons for accepting this separation and refer to it periodically, as a reminder. The site has a number of other suggestions as well… check it out.
I had no idea the government was into this kind of thing!
