Secrets to a successful marriage
Posted on 09. May, 2010 by lisa in Communication, General Relationship Advice
This isn’t anything specific to long distance relationships… but it seemed like a good list that applies to all relationships. The list was compiled by a professor at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan, Dr. Terri Orbuch, who recently wrote 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great
Be generous with praise: According to Dr. Orbuch’s research, husbands reported a need to hear compliments from their partners – even more so than wives, who tend to get affirmation also from their friends. Men who said they didn’t feel special to their wives were two times more likely to get divorced.
Shake things up: “Knock your partner off balance just a little bit,” Dr. Orbuch says. That may mean exercising together or watching a scary movie or hopping on a roller coaster. Active couples are happy couples.
Talk about what you’d do if you won the lottery: Take time each day to talk about something besides the kids, work and the house renovation, a topic that reveals something to you about your partner. For instance, Dr. Orbuch suggests: “If you had all the money in the world, where would you travel?”
Know your partner’s top two expectations: Frustration sets in, Dr. Orbuch says, when there’s a big gap between what you expect to happen and what’s actually happening. The top expectation in her study, according to nearly every husband and wife: Never hurt or deceive the other person.
Sweat the small stuff: This seems counterintuitive, Dr. Orbuch says, but she’s not really talking about the toilet seat being left up. If your partner always leaves the room during a fight, for example, and it irritates you now, it will probably drive you crazy later. Talk it over.
A more detailed look at long distance relationships
Posted on 12. Apr, 2010 by lisa in Communication, Other sites
Below from here…
My heart went out to Russell Crowe, when the bad-boy superstar was arrested and charged with second-degree assault and fourth-degree criminal possession of a weapon after attacking an employee at the Mercer Hotel in New York. As Crowe later explained to David Letterman, he had repeatedly tried and failed to call his wife in Australia. I’m not condoning the use of a phone as a weapon, of course, but long-distance relationships can be tough enough to make even the calmest person edgy, much less a hard-rocking gladiator with a temper.
When I heard about Crowe’s rage, I’d just spent three months apart from my husband, Andy, in Tours, France, attending a language institute and living with an unconventional host couple in their fifties. (By “unconventional,” I mean that they had matching red leather pants. He gardened in his Speedo. Their home had leopard- and zebra-print decor and dozens of stuffed—by a taxidermist—animals. I’ve seen her breasts. Have I said enough?)
My first reaction on the day I arrived, exactly six months after Andy and I were married, was not aggression but something akin to hysteria. Exhausted by 15 hours of travel, I actually cried in my coq au vin when my hosts, who had already revealed their penchant for public displays of affection, asked me how my husband felt about my leaving him for so long. Later that night, despair escalated into a tantrum to rival Crowe’s when I discovered I had only one minute’s worth of prepaid cell-phone time left.
It’s a scenario many know all too well. Despite the teary goodbyes, lonely nights, flight delays, and outrageous phone bills, an estimated 14 million Americans are currently in LDRs, according to the Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships. That number includes couples of all kinds, from those who fell for each other while living on opposite coasts to those who’ve been married for years but decided to live apart while she takes that plum international assignment or he goes back to school.
How do they do it? The simple answer is that, barring the occasional attack on a hotel clerk, long-distance relationships can work—and work well. Research suggests that they don’t break up at any greater rate than traditional, geographically close ones. Plus, multiple studies have found that LDR couples’ levels of relationship satisfaction, intimacy, trust, and commitment are identical to their geographically close counterparts. LDR couples might worry more about infidelity, but they don’t actually cheat more.
…Article continues here.
You are not alone… at least not online
Posted on 23. Mar, 2010 by lisa in Communication, Getting Dirty, Technology for Long Distance Relationships
A survey of Canadian college students found that 87% of more than 2,500 respondents ‘fessed up to getting dirty online via tools like instant message, webcams, and text message.
This can help relationships, as partners communicate more about their sexual preferences – especially talking about what turns them on. “Just like any other form of human communication, sexual communication is evolving,” says Noah Gurza (who ran the survey). “People communicate their sexual desires quite freely via virtual sex, which might not be the case in real-time sexual connections. Many virtual connections are just precursors for the real thing and as such, this initial openness might lead to increased openness when the sexual deed occurs — this is a good thing.”
“Cell phone text sex is also changing the rules, as it makes it transportable, and can be done from anywhere, not having to be confined in front of a desktop,” Gurza sayss. “It makes it much more immediate and getting down to the point, as text messaging is all concise communication.”
Distance certainly didn’t stop Tiger Woods.
(Image from http://trueslant.com/donovan/files/2009/12/tiger_texts.jpg)
Happy couples talk over problems on the phone
Posted on 29. Jan, 2010 by lisa in Communication, General Relationship Advice
While listening to the John Tesh radio show a while ago, I was surprised to hear the suggestion that “happy couples” talk things out over the phone. They suggest that this will keep things positive by removing non-verbal cues (e.g. eye rolling). Perhaps this is one secret to long distance relationships? A number of other relationship tips were also included… see if you ‘know what happy couples know’:
- Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. We all see things differently, because we have different backgrounds. For example, your ideas of responsibility may be poles apart if you were the youngest child and they were the oldest. So, understanding where they’re coming from can make or break your marriage.
- Another secret that happy couples know: They use the word “I” instead of saying “You.” For example, don’t say “You’re so messy”. Instead, try: “I’m bothered when you leave clothes on the floor.” Why? It’s easier to resolve problems when you take the blame for being upset, instead of assigning your partner a character flaw. Like “You’re a slob!” That way, your spouse isn’t starting out on the defensive.
- And the final happy couple tip: Recognize the positives. Make sure you point out how much you enjoy and appreciate your spouse. Everything from the way you make each other laugh, to how well you share kitchen cleanup duties. The more often you tell each other how much you care, the happier you’ll both be!
Couples Couples Couples. Everywhere.
Posted on 29. Oct, 2009 by lisa in Communication, General Relationship Advice, Positives about LDRs
Sometimes it can seem as if the world is full of happy couples who are together – when you are sitting there, alone, as usual, thinking about your partner who lives kilometers (or miles) away. It can get really frustrating. Especially if it feels as if these other couples are flaunting the fact that they have partners who live in the same city. Some thoughts to calm you down:
1) You have a partner who thinks you are fantastic! So fantastic, that they are willing to go for long periods of time without seeing you – because they know that when they finally do see you it will be uh-mazing.
2) Most likely, these other couples are NOT trying to shove it in your face. They just happen to be with their partner at this time – and lets be honest, if you were with your partner now you would probably be doing the same thing.
3) Think about how your partner can always make you laugh – and how the last time you were together there was that really funny/cute/awesome thing they did.
4) Remember that you are choosing this. You can break up with your partner at any time – but you are choosing to stay with them because they are awesome, and the two of you are awesome together, and your life is better with your partner it. A lot of the couples walking around may not be so confident.
Calmed down yet?
Time Zone and Scheduling Issues
Posted on 18. Oct, 2009 by lisa in Communication, Distance Factors
In my relationship, my partner and I were in the same time zone and had a very similar 9-5 schedule. I have friends now who live 3 time zones away from each other, and I know others out there are even more ‘time separated’ from their partners (shift work, etc).
The biggest issue is finding a time to talk, when one of you is tired and wants to sleep and the other just got home from work. Flexibility is important. Talk to your partner. Make sure you are honest about what you both need for your own health and lifestyle.
Hopefully you can find a time that works for both of you. If you can’t, here is an idea – find two times. One time when it is good for one person and bearable for the partner; and another time when it is good for the partner and bearable for the other person. Then alternate these times for when you talk (You could alternate daily or weekly or by some other schedule).
The important part is that find something sustainable where both of you keep looking forward to talking to each other. And If your partner has something come up and can’t talk – relax! There is always next time.
Priorities
Posted on 13. Oct, 2009 by lisa in Communication, Distance Factors, General Relationship Advice
When you go visit your partner, are you their top priority? When they come visit you, are they your top priority? Yes, we all have our own lives and jobs and hobbies and friends and families – but your partner should be a top priority when they are visiting. You don’t need to just do things with each other (in fact getting out and about and meeting people in each others lives is a good thing) but whoever is hosting should plan some special events. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive – a home cooked dinner, planned walking tour around town, etc would be great.
If partners are visiting for a couple of weeks or months at a time, then this is not applicable… But if your partner is only visiting for a couple of days then hopefully that time is well spent! If you (or your partner) can’t seem to find the time or put in the effort, you may need to do some talking to figure out where things are going.
(Image source Raven Young)
How do you know if you should continue with your relationship
Posted on 24. Sep, 2009 by lisa in Communication, General Relationship Advice, Real Relationships
Here is my take…
In the middle of a crazy fight its natural to question your relationship – to want to break up immediately, not caring about what your partner thinks or has to say. But it’s equally natural after kissing and making up to think that things will now be different, and everything is going to be perfect. This up and down pattern can become very repetitive… I was once in it for 2 years 
How about this question: If the relationship were to continue into the future EXACTLY how it has for the past X amount of time – would you be happy in the relationship? (X amount of time can be a year, a month… or whatever reasonable time period since any major changes occurred in the relationship).
If the answer is “No way. Things need to change!” – Then you need to figure out what is going to cause this major change. If you are looking to your partner to make this big change – then you might need to look again. If you have already talked to them about it 100 times (and I don’t mean subtle hinting here – I mean laying it all out clearly and making sure they understand) and nothing has changed, you either have to try something new or accept that this is the way its going to be. Otherwise, it doesn’t sound like you are going to be too happy in the future.
If the answer is a big “hells ya” – Awesome! Sounds like things are going well – make sure your partner knows how much you appreciate them.
20 Fun Relationship Questions to Ask Your Partner!
Posted on 22. Sep, 2009 by lisa in Communication, Creative/Fun Ideas, General Relationship Advice
- If they could have thirty minutes to talk with any famous person, who would it be?
- What is their favourite of your articles of clothing?
- When was the last time they cried?
- Do they remember the details from when you first kissed each other?
- What are their top 5 things that they like about you?
- What is their favourite holiday?
- What is the first thing you would do if you won 1 million bucks?
- If you didn’t need any more money, what would you spend your time doing?
- What did you dream about last night?
- Favourite cartoon or comic book? Why?
- What is the most embarrassing thing you have ever done?
- What is something that I used to do that you really liked that I haven’t done lately?
- Which do they think is better: oatmeal raisin or chocolate chip?
- What topic do they wish they knew more about?
- What is the best day of the year so far for them?
- Who do they look up to or admire?
- What is the least favourite part of their day?
- Sunrises or sunsets – which are better?
- If you could move anywhere, where would you move to?
- What is your perfect meal?
(Image from http://www.getworksheets.com)
Day to Day talks – Thorns and Roses
Posted on 19. Sep, 2009 by lisa in Communication, General Relationship Advice, Pop Culture
Something I have heard repeatedly is that there is a correlation between talking about everyday things with your partner and relationships success. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to talk everyday – but it does mean that when you do talk you have to talk about big and little things. Your partner should know about the dirty daily details. For example:
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the great thing you had for lunch
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something that someone did that really angered you
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a small accomplishment that made you smile
A good way to do this is by introducing a new tradition in your relationship – ‘Thorns and Roses’ (which is also practised by the Obama familiy). Essentially, each partner takes turns talking about the best (rose) and worst (thorn) thing that happened that day/week.
It makes sure that you are each familiar with the daily trials and tribulations that each of you are going through. It is these little details that slowly build together a sense of interrelatedness and make any relationship solid.
(Images from Shutterstock and www.hiren.info)
