Ellie Advice

Posted on 04. Jan, 2010 by lisa in Distance Factors, General Relationship Advice, Other sites, Real Relationships

I came across this today on one of my favourite advice columns… Do you agree?

Q: I’ve been in a six-month long-distance relationship; he calls me his girlfriend and introduced me to his parents. Three months ago, he left his email open and I saw he was on a dating website and messaging girls. He explained he was using it as a backup but, if I were upset, he would stop.

While visiting him two weeks ago, I discovered he was doing it again! It really upset me and I said I wouldn’t visit him if he continued. He agreed to cancel his membership. Yet, because I now have access to his email (he doesn’t know), I saw he was still using the website.

I can’t confess that I look at his emails. We’ve both said we want a long-term committed relationship but that we need more time to develop it. I think six months is reasonable to know if you want to commit. Is it acceptable for him keep his options open? He doesn’t date people; he says he’s on the site in case things don’t work out. I’m not sure I buy that. I’m not exploring other options while we’re apart and I don’t think he should, either. ~More Upset

A: Six months may be long enough for you but it seems it’s not long enough for him to feel committed. That’s his right, but you need to speak up about what you cannot accept, instead of playing detective and fuming.

The “backup” excuse is ridiculously illogical, even if he means it. If things don’t work out, then he can go online – the list of available women won’t have disappeared.

Trolling other profiles is only somewhat different from prowling a bar – eventually, there’s bound to be someone appealing enough for him to try making contact.

This isn’t about handing him an ultimatum; it’s about being honest and clear. Tell him you’re ready for a commitment. If he’s not ready to give up on “other options,” he can have them all – but he can’t have you, too.